I am currently having to do something that hurts my heart. Like most people I try to avoid things that hurt, but in this case I must get this done. We are in the process of setting up a special needs trust for our daughter. We need to make sure that when we are gone there will be someone to take care of her and her needs. One of the key parts of this process is a letter of intent. ( Yes I know this link is to somewhere in NY but it gives a great description of what I attempting.) Even the professionals tell the parents that this will be a very difficult process but it is one of the most important. Also you are never truly done with this, it should be updated at least once a year.
After putting it off for a couple weeks, I decided I would try to just plow through and get this done. There will be input from other people involved in Maddy's life, but I need to get the basic framework done to help guide them on what information to help me add. Most projects I just get it done in a timely and efficient manner. This project however will not be that way.
Currently I can only work on it for little chunks of time. When I begin to work on it my mind goes into thoughts and places I don't want to go. I begin to question why and did I do something wrong. I question if I have done the right things by her as she has grown up and continues to grow and mature. I play the "I should have game" and I always lose.
Most days and in most situations I am a sane and rational person and can have a conversation regarding Maddy and her needs. However when I have to spell out in specifics everything she can't or will never do, it hurts. When I have to go into detail about every medical issue and procedure she has had, it hurts. Then I become upset about things I can't change and I can't truly do what needs to be done. When I get to this point, I put it down and come back later.
This will get done and I know I will do a good job with it, but I also need to not let my mind dwell on things I can't change. My focus needs to be on her future and how this letter can make that better for her.
It will take me a few weeks and a few tears, but I will get this done.
"....but I also need to not let my mind dwell on things I can't change."
ReplyDeleteYou said a mouthful in that last statement. We could sit around and "what if?" to the point that we would be afraid to stand up and walk across the room for fear of something going wrong. This is where the truest tests of character are found most often. If there was ever a time that emotions needed to be suppressed so you can just go ahead and "do the right thing", this would be one. Go with your head, not your heart and I feel like you'll find that they aren't really that far removed from one another. Good luck.